Wednesday, August 17, 2011

A Conversation With Rabbi Arele Harel

AN ORTHODOX RABBI EXPLAINS WHY HE IS PAIRING GAY MEN WITH LESBIAN WOMEN 

Time magazine yesterday posted an article and video about Rabbi Harel, an Israeli rabbi with a novel approach to addressing the dilemma faced by Orthodox homosexual men and women. In March, JewPsy wrote about Rabbi Harel's work in an extensive piece discussing the possible merits of his approach for gay Orthodox Jews who are committed to their communities and halacha, Jewish law ("A New Proposal: Gay Marriage, Orthodox Style"). Harel plans to unveil his online match-making service for Orthodox gay people this September. "This is the best solution we can offer people who want to live within the halacha," Harel says. "This may not be a perfect solution, but it's kind of a solution."

See the video after the jump (click "Read more")

Friday, July 22, 2011

Summer Camp 2.0

Reflections on Jewish camping in the age of social media


Seventies summer camp bunk photo
When I was growing up, going to camp meant putting my regular world in exile while I continued with life somewhere far away. There were no phone calls and if you wrote a letter you had to wait at least a week for a response. There was no email delivery and, even if cell phones were around, no kids were hiding them in their camp trunks. Children had a break from their parents and parents from their children.

My, how the bunkhouse walls have fallen.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Arrest of IMF Head Not So Good for the Jews

"Money, women, and the fact that I am Jewish": three barriers that Dominique Strauss-Kahn mused in a recent interview with the French daily Liberation would stand in his way despite his being the expected favorite for his country's upcoming presidential elections. Turns out one was all it took.

180 Sephardi Girls Shut Out From School

Old biases die hard; we Jews know that. But for Sephardi Jews in Israel's "ultra-Orthodox" Haredi community, discrimination and exclusion--by their fellow Jews--serve as regular reminders.

Ynet reports that 180 Sephardi students (students from Middle-Eastern descent) from Jerusalem have no spot in the city's Haredi school system for the 2011-2012 school year after the close of registration. This in addition to the handful of girls who are still without spots from the beginning of this year, and some from 2009. Critics accuse the schools of maintaining an unspoken quota of, at most, 30% Sephardi girls, and accuse the Jerusalem municipality of "washing its hands of the situation year after year, ...deny[ing] the existence of quotas" while doing all it can to support them.

Read the full story here
JewBrain Tinier
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Israeli Soldier, Killed in Yom Kipur War, Given a New Voice

Idan Raichel sets to music the young man's "letter home" more than 35 years after it was written





Israeli singer, songwriter and producer Idan Raichel wrote this song as a musical setting for a poem written by a young IDF soldier named Reuven Politi to his mother before his death in the Y"K war. (Lyrics are at the end of the post.)

Listen to the way Raichel wrote the verses in (modern) phrygian mode (you'll hear what I mean), evoking the intensity and fear of war, and switches abruptly to a major scale for the chorus (ironically, just for the words "We are not heros"), for a brief tinge of hope. All of that amplifies the exquisite pathos of the rest of the chorus as it moves into a minor scale as the narrator tries desperately to impress upon his mother the urgency of his message. Of course, knowing the mortal fate of that young soldier only makes it that much more heartbreaking.


Below is a piece from Israel's Channel 2 News (Hebrew) on the background story.




אמא, אבא וכל השאר
מילים: ראובן פוליטי ז"ל
לחן: עידן רייכל
וכשהלילה תם והשמש מאירה
התדעי אמא מה לעינינו נראה?
עצים סביב, רמי צמרת אך חרוכי גזע
בתים גדולים סביב אך הרוסים הם דהויי צבע
מהלך על הריסות אני, אמא
ותאמיני לי אין כאן שום אגס ואין כאן פרח

לא גיבורים אנחנו כי מלאכתנו שחורה
תשקע השמש, תבוא העלטה
ואז ננום בבגדנו במיטה
כן אמא, זה חשוב, זה קשה וזה נורא

בחיי שזה קשה אך אני נשאר
אפורה האדמה ושחור האופק
וכחול שמים כאילו משתהה והוא ממתין
ולא נוגע, הוא לא נוגע באופק השחור
ביניהם חלל, שום קשר וכל השאר
וזה קשה מאוד אך אני נשאר
יש כאן גדר תיל ואחריה חרב שלופה
אמא, אבא וכל השאר

לא גיבורים אנחנו כי מלאכתנו שחורה
תשקע השמש, תבוא העלטה
ואז ננום בבגדנו במיטה
כן אמא, זה חשוב, זה קשה וזה נורא

וכשהלילה תם והשמש מאירה
התדעי אמא מה לעינינו נראה?


JewBrain Tinier

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Life Lessons from a Coke Machine: The Ecstasy of the Unexpected

אז ימלא שחוק פינו

Unforeseen Delight

Have you ever been staggered with gladness? Have you ever been caught off guard by something small and ordinary but delighted by the sheer surprise of it? There's something particularly elating about the unexpected—a gift from a stranger, an unpredicted punchline, an unbelievable sports play, a playfully startled baby—that evokes within us joy and laughter unlike those from any other source.

Below is a promotional video from Coca Cola that shows various gleeful college students brought to laughter by a Coke machine. Coke's message, apparently, is that in some vague way Coke brings people happiness. Some might rightly point out that giving anyone something for nothing would make them smile. But I think the real power here is not what was given, but the unexpectedness of how it was done. I wonder with the author of A GeekyMomma's Blog, writes, "if the same machine doled out jokes, a handshake, or perhaps wrote a check to a non-profit organization, if the reaction might be very similar."

What do you think? Watch and decide for yourself:




What struck me most about my reaction to this video is how happy it made me seeing other people getting gladdened like this. And writing that last sentence made me realize how insufficiently our language includes references to making other people happy. In contrast, the root of Hebrew's most common word for happiness, שמחה, is regularly used as לְשַׂמִֵחַ for that purpose. This might reflect the ease of Hebrew conjugation, but this usage dates back at least to the Book of Psalms, and is firmly embedded within Jewish culture.) GeekyMom is taking this one step further with a delightful contest, where, starting today readers post videos to YouTube of themselves being "Happiness Machines" (á la the Coke machine) for a chance to win a Lenovo M90z computer (I kid you not!).





And Now for Something Completely Different: or Laughing All the Way to...

This kind of unexpected joy is what the sages, חז“ל call שְׂחוֹק, and it has an important mystical/eschatological meaning. This feeling was embedded into the our collective spiritual identity during the very birth of כלל ישראל (the Jewish people) in the person of יִצְחַק. When Sara, at 90 years old and infertile from youth, bore an unexpected son it was this distinctive delight that Avraham acknowledged with the child's name (the root of "Isaac" is similar to שחוק). This joy, Jews believe, will ultimately be revealed in its full form one day when the world joins together to serve Hashem. Then, אַז, when evil and darkness are be overturned abruptly and absolutely, G-d will be exalted, the world will be filled with the ecstasy of the unexpected, and we will be filled with joyous song. And in case you were wondering, that is what you've been talking about every week for all these years: אז ימלא שחוק פינו ולשוננו רנה.




All right, this post was kind of messianistic, but can you blame me? I mean, what do you think of when you see Coca Cola YouTube videos??

JewBrain Tinier

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Great Adventures of Chol Hamoed

Pesach's Iconic Moments

Pesach is all about imagery. Almost every important moment of the holiday and every observance corresponds to its own iconic moment in the story of Yetzias Mitzrayim (the Exodus from Egypt). At the seder we conjure the hardships of Jewish slavery, the Ten Plagues, and our hasty departure. From the second night we count the Omer, remembering the Jews' march toward Sinai, and on the last days of yom tov, we rejoice in the miracles at the Yam Suf. But what about Chol Hamoed? What storybook moment goes along with this holiday middle child?

Monday, April 18, 2011

Passover Humor

If you're like me, you're always up for a good laugh. The problem is, though, there's not much about Passover that's all that funny--that is until you're 4 cups in and the guy across the table, who decided to take on his own chumrah (extra stringency) and drink straight through the meal, tries to make animal noises for Adir Hu, thinking you're up to Chad Gadya. Of course, the story of the Exodus is exciting and genuinely inspirational, but as a movie I'd file it with the dramas or the action films, even the sci-fi (well, minus the "fi"), but definately not under "comedy." That's probably for the best: how would it look if the story of G-d's greatest show of wonder and Heavenly dominance was relegated to sitting in some Blockbuster next to a scratched-up copy of "The Hangover?" But that still means no one's laughing when it comes to Pesach. To fix some of that, I've put together some clips and other stuff that made me laugh. Of course, this is not meant to detract from any of the serious preparation that must precede any meaningful spiritual endeavor. Just think of it as the charoset on top.
OK, here we go. Everyone, leaning to the left...

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Shortage of ADHD Meds is Getting Parents Hyper, Too

Talk to a parent whose child with ADHD has been helped by stimulant medications like Ritalin and Adderall, and you're likely to hear how their son or daughter is "a different kid" on the drug. But many parents who have been "given back their child" by ADD medications are preparing themselves to get reacquainted with the old kid.

According to a report by MSNBC, pharmacies across the country have been turning away parents who have come to fill their prescriptions for Ritalin and Adderall and their generic equivalents. The scarcities have prompted the Food and Drug Administration to add both methylphenidate (Ritalin) and Amphetamine Salts (Adderall) to their list of national shortages. A shortage will hit stimulant medication users and their parents especially hard because they are unable to fill more than a 30-days' supply at one time because of the medications' classifcation as controlled substances. In addition to often tripling prescription copays and adding inconvenience, this law also means that parents never have more than a one-month stock of the medication.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Pesach Preparation Delusions

Tricking ourselves into believing in the big Passover payoff

The Passover Preparation Myth

In a season of slavery to redemption, the weeks leading up to Passover would definately fall into the former category. Cleaning out drawers and cars; endlessly reminding kids that, "Yes, that is chametz, and No, you may not take that into your room!"; trying on ALL of EVERY child's Shabbos clothes to figure out what needs to be purchased; cooking, scrubbing, kashering... the list is endless. But ask most Jewish women (and hopefully men), and you'll likely hear that the work is not all that bad, or if it is it's worth it. For most people, the beautiful Yom Tov is a payoff that justifies all of the pre-Pesach prep.

But is that really true? Is the degree of a person's Yom Tov pleasure or meaning related to how much they sweat to prepare for it? Sure, a person who worked hard for anything is able to take pride in a way that someone else can not. But does a kid who comes home from yeshiva or college right before Pesach enjoy the holiday that much less than his parents who've been slaving over the preparations for weeks?

I'd venture to say not much.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Soundtrack of the Yemeni Uprising: Jewish Music?

Protestors in Yemen's "Rose Revolution"
When's the last time you heard the words, "Crank up the Shwekey, we're gonna have ourselves a revolution!"?
It's certainly not what I would have thought to spin if I were DJ'ing the uprisings in Yemen, but apparently among the revolutionaries fighting to bring down that country's President, Ali Abdullah Saleh, a song called Kaddish (video below) by the late Israeli singer Ofra Haza has been emerging as the anthem of the uprising.
Like so much of the essential news on Middle East uprising, this tidbit was bandied across Twitter this morning. In a conversation I "overheard"  (thanks to blogger Jack Zaientz, author of the Teruah Jewish Music Blog, who re-tweeted it), Canadian PR professional Maria Al-Masani reported to Senior NP Strategist Andy Carvin that the song has taken on a strong meaning for the Yemeni protestors. 

Friday, March 25, 2011

12-Year-Old Autistic Boy Develops Own Theory of Relativity

Daily Mail-

A 12-year-old child prodigy has astounded university professors after grappling with some of the most advanced concepts in mathematics.

Jacob Barnett has an IQ of 170 - higher than Albert Einstein - and is now so far advanced in his Indiana university studies that professors are lining him up for a PHD research role.

The boy wonder, who taught himself calculus, algebra, geometry and trigonometry in a week, is now tutoring fellow college classmates after hours.

And now Jake has embarked on his most ambitious project yet - his own 'expanded version of Einstein's theory of relativity'.

When taking pills can be better than talking

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-12716742http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-12716742 ...

Children With Tourette Syndrome Have Better Motor Control, Study Finds

THURSDAY, March 24 (HealthDay News) -- Children with Tourette syndrome perform behavioral tests of cognitive motor control more quickly and accurately than those without the disorder, a new study found.

Tourette syndrome is characterized by repeated involuntary sounds and physical movements called tics, which may involve blinking, grimacing, shrugging, twisting, grunting or -- in rare adult cases -- blurting out swear words.

The enhanced cognitive motor control in people with Tourette syndrome arises from structural and functional changes in the brain that likely result from the need to constantly suppress tics, according to the authors of the study, which was published online March 24 in the journal Current Biology.

"The motor outputs of children with Tourette syndrome are under greater cognitive control. You might view this as their being less likely to respond without thinking, or as being less reflexive," Stephen Jackson, of the University of Nottingham in the United Kingdom, said in a journal news release.

MRI exams also confirmed that the "Tourette's brain" showed changes in the white-matter connections that allowed different brain areas to communicate with each another, Jackson added. The study findings may help explain why some people with Tourette syndrome who have profound tics during childhood are relatively tic-free by early adulthood, while others continue to have severe tics throughout their life, the researchers said.

The findings also suggest that people with Tourette syndrome may benefit from "brain training" techniques that help them gain control of their symptoms.


More Information
The U.S. National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke has more about Tourette syndrome.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

ADHD Affects Women Differently: What to Look For and How to Fix It

Millions of adults suffer from this so-called kid's condition that can cause memory problems, depression, and more. Are you one of them? Here's how to find out.

Health.com- Episodes of forgetfulness and distraction happen to all of us, and for most that’s all they are—episodes. But nearly 5 million American women have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, a neuro behavioral condition marked by poor memory, the inability to concentrate on important tasks, and a tendency to fidget and daydream, among other symptoms. For them, this kind of distraction isn't temporary at all and can actually be crippling.

When adult ADHD (or ADD—the H is sometimes omitted because hyperactivity often isn't a symptom, especially in adults) goes untreated for years, women may end up plagued by anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

"They may feel as though they're constantly being judged—as flighty, inept, late, disorganized, scattered," says Tracy Latz, MD, a psychiatrist and associate clinical professor at Wake Forest University Medical Center. And even if women seek help, the condition may go overlooked or be misdiagnosed.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Helping the Easily Angered Child

We all know the type. If we don't have one among our own kids, we have no problem coming up with at least a couple who live on our block or are the children of our close friends. I'm talking about the easily-angered kid.
This is the child who seems to be set off by next to nothing, who goes from fine to furious in less time than it takes to say, "Whoa, let's stay calm."

Children who are quick to anger may be sweet and agreeable, but when the anger gets set off, they turn into raging devils with little control over their actions. Author Dr. Michelle Borba, on her Reality Check blog, lays out 6 Steps to Help Kids Learn Healthier Ways to Display Anger. These include:
  1. Helping the child to identify anger warning signs
  2. Helping him or her recognize potential anger triggers
  3. Developing a feeling vocabulary for him or her
  4. Helping to develop healthy anger management skills
  5. Using time out when inappropriate anger persists
  6. Creating “time in” spots to help alleviate outbursts
(See her blog where she elaborates)

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Pre-Purim Post: You Gotta Laugh

Laughing is Good

We all love to laugh. But many of us just don't do enough of it.
Laughter has been credited with all sorts of health benefits. It can reduce physical pain by triggering endorphin release. Laughter, involves deep abdominal breathing, instead of the shallow stress breathing that we tend to do when are stressed. It also dilates blood vessels, boosting circulation. All this increases oxygen within the body and brain, and increases energy. Laughter triggers the release of endorphins and other biochemicals, reducing pain and, it's been reported, helping with everything from diabetes, asthma and respiratory complications, hypertension, cardiovascular problems and arthritis to senile dementia.
Most of all, though, laughing just feels good. No matter how terrible your day is going or how pain you are in, if you can manage to get off a good belly laugh, you get pulled into the moment—instant mindfulness—and for that split second, and often longer, you're all good.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

A New Proposal: Gay Marriage, Orthodox Style

Okay, so Yenta the matchmaker he's not. But, as Hodel says in that famous Fiddler scene, "Well, somebody has to arrange the matches," and with 11 marriages and one recent engagement of couples he set up, Rabbi Arele Harel has been doing just that. The unions facilitated by Rabbi Harel, a teacher at a yeshiva in Elon Moreh in Israel, are traditionally structured; each of these cross-marriages is a "union between one man and one woman as husband and wife." What makes these couples unique is that they are all made up of Orthodox, gay men and lesbian women who see this novel type of relationship as  their chance to experience the companionship, family, and the chance to have a normal place within the community.
Initial Reactions

Before we proceed, I'll give you all a chance to silently voice your cynicism.
Okay, that was good. Now we can move on. Don't worry, though, you're not alone. People all over the spectrum have been doing the same since this Ha'aretz article was published. On the religious side, this has been expressed largely through the familiar method of ignoring it altogether. One, more progressive Haredi blog did post the piece, but—if the commenters are any indication—the readers simply didn't know what to make of the idea, with one asking "Is this real?" and another exclaiming that this sounds like Chelm, a town that in old Jewish humor was always finding foolish solutions to problems.
Liberal Jewish outlets instinctively reacted with disparagements that seem to stem more from objections to the halachic prohibition of same-sex intimacy in general than to this specific solution. Jewcy editor, Jason diamond, noting that this arrangement involves celibacy for both spouses, writes "I suppose this [type of marriage] is just a bizarre interpretation" of a philosophy that it is a great mitzvah "for a gay person to enter into a straight marriage, as it shows even greater respect for Halacha... Either way, we don’t get it." In the wider gay and lesbian community, one blog that aims, it's header states, to "discuss and promote all things GLBTQ" actually denounces the men and women entering into these marriages, calling this a "very sad day for the Israeli gay and lesbian community," and writing, "shame on those individuals involving themselves in these twisted concoctions of marital arrangements."

On Further Reflection

My own initial reaction was no different. When I first heard about this cross-marriage idea from a friend, I honestly thought it was some weird joke, or at least a really bad idea. So much of the isolation and emotional distress experienced by gays and lesbians in our community is a result of their having to lead "double lives," compartmentalizing their Jewish and homosexual identities, lying, and often limiting their contact with others in the community so that major aspects of their identities do not become revealed. However, once I realized that this was really being done, and, more importantly, as an earnest attempt to address part of the problem faced by Orthodox homosexuals, I began to actually think about the idea.
If nothing else, what Rabbi Harel has been doing is momentous because, to my knowledge, it is the first rabbinical initiative that extends beyond academic statements of principal (although those are important, as well) to actually create real change in the way gay and lesbian Orthodox Jews—who are already overcoming immense challenges in order to be fully shomrei halacha (observant of the letter of the law)—to interact with the community.
As far as my reservations? Well, the issues behind them are still quite real. However, when you look at those issues in their broad and painfully complex context, and consider the other existing or theoretical options for the men and women who would opt for this type of marriage, it becomes clear that for now, while this is at best an okay solution, it still is at least an okay solution.

Hidden Identity

It is true that in this arrangement the husbands and wives would still need to hide a major part of their identities from their communities. However, entering into a cross-marriage would likely lessen greatly the identity conflict, estrangement, and isolation, currently associated with that secrecy, especially as they relate to to the couples’ families.
In a study of gay Jewish men of various affiliations (Coyle & Rafalin, 2000), when describing their experience disclosing their sexual identity to their parents and the negative reactions they received:
Half the participants said that their parents’ main concern related to the continuation of their family and of the Jewish people. They described parental concerns about their sons not marrying, not creating a Jewish home and a Jewish family and not providing them with grandchildren. [One participant] reported that because of this, in his parents’ eyes, as a gay man he was ‘‘a waste of manhood [ ] or a life (p. 34).
This would seem no less true for women who, especially in the more Haredi communities, are raised to see their primary function as raising a family.
For gay and lesbian Orthodox men and women, marrying one another affords them the opportunity to actually build Jewish homes, with grandchildren for their parents to spoil and to show off, wallet-sized, to their friends. With family continuity anxieties extracted from the process, disclosing their homosexuality their respective parents becomes an entirely different endeavor. Couples in cross-marriage arrangements could likely share their sexual identity with their families and maintain strong relationships with them, reducing their identity conflict and helping to retain their vital support network.

A Seat at the Table

Another thing that these marriages represent for their entrants is a place card. One of the drawbacks of the Orthodox community’s being so family-oriented is that most settings for acting or interacting in the community are dependent on traditional family roles. For example, women make friends and socialize as mothers in carpool, PTA, and playgrounds (and usually talk about their kids). Outside of school, boys—especially in the more Haredi communities—interface with the community as sons, in father-son learning programs or even simply having a place to sit in shul. In certain communities a man can’t daven for the amud (lead the prayers) if he’s not married.
In communities like that, being forced to live single can mean, in effect, having to stand along the community margins for one’s entire life. These marriages allow homosexual Orthodox individuals to form families and finally join (albeit with some concealment) their own communities.

Family Life

Of course, the men and women like entering cross-marriages would not be looking to create families simply to ingratiate themselves with critical parents or as some sort of subterfuge for them to infiltrate our communities. Raising children is a universal human instinct, irrespective of one’s sexual identity. Providence did dictate that the act of procreation be coupled with the drive for copulation (heterosexual, of course). A happy confluence for humanity, no doubt; however that does not mean that those who don’t desire the latter won’t desire the former. Marriage for them is a chance to have what so many others take for granted: a real family, with deep conjugal—if not sexual—companionship and children who are biologically their own.

Other Options

These points seem even more compelling when you consider the other options that homosexual Orthodox men and women face. If you were a young Orthodox man with yiras shomayim (awe of G-d) who deeply cares about keeping orthodox halacha, and also has same-sex only attraction, how would you choose to go through life?

"EVERYTHING BUT"
You could take the approach that G-d would not give a mitzvah that a person by his or her nature can only observe with excessive hardship, and stick with the other 612. However, if your religious identity is more prominent than your sexual identity and you are committed to uncompromising adherence to halachah (in its normative Orthodox interpretation) then you will probably see in that approach a flawed mindset and an unacceptable (or at least guilt-inducing) halachic concession.
So you will have to choose an option that does not involve intimate relationships with men. Until now there have been two: get married or stay alone. Either way, however, if choose to stay within the Orthodox community—to which you feel you belong, and within which lie many of the requisites for your religious and spiritual advancement—you will almost certainly need to conceal your homosexuality (don’t forget, not critiquing Orthodoxy, critiquing the marriage plan!).

MARRY
If you are terrified enough by the risk exposure and by communal and family pressure toward conformity, you might be compelled to follow the other bochurim (young, single men) into the “shidduch (matchmaking) scene,” and try your hand at a relationship with a woman. You might even do well in the dating process, which involves no physical contact, and—lasting, as it does for some, for only 2-3 months—will not pose much of a threat to your concealment. However, once you were engaged you would probably begin to realize what a serious mess you’ve gotten yourself and some poor, oblivious girl into, but you’d have little escape.
You might be able to stand the inner struggle behind the duplicity; between a desperate desire to fit in and be what your wife and family expect you to be; your inner yearning to show your true, full self to those same people; and your hopeful determination not to hurt anyone. Maybe you’ll be able to live with that for 20 years before you give up on the charade and dispel the illusions of the family you’ve built. Maybe you’ll talk straight with your kallah (bride) on your wedding night, and letting her know just what not to expect, and leaving her holding the bag. Or, you might just buckle under the pressure, like many have before you, despair of the battle and “cast your cares on the L-rd.”

REMAIN ALONE
If that vision doesn’t entice you then your only option is to remain alone for life, doubly isolated by the secret that you bear. The challenges that you face would be so trying that, Rabbi Chaim Rapoport comments in his Judaism and Homosexuality: An Authentic Orthodox View (2004), they would put any judgmental heterosexual Jew in their place. Rapoport challenges readers to ask themselves:
"If I were to find myself in a situation whereby I would constantly be yearning to be in a loving relationship—of a type that includes physical intimacy—and the only sexual relationships I could reasonably have would be with a member of the same gender, would I live up to the Torah’s demands?" or "If I knew that there is never likely to be any way of experiencing sexual fulfillment in a halakhically permissible manner, and at the same time, I would almost constantly be exposed to sexual temptation [because of the way that the Orthodox community separates the genders from one another], would I have the fortitude to remain alone and celibate?" I venture to say that many a heterosexual person who confronts himself honestly with such questions would indeed be humbled (p. 71).

Discussion

Clearly, these options hold no hope for homosexual, Orthodox men and women. Rabbi Harel’s cross-marriages do have drawbacks, and some precautions--such as waiting a minimum number of years before having children to see if the match is viable--might be prudent. Nevertheless, this approach offers a chance for some level of love and inclusion that participants might never otherwise get.
Of course, we can’t hope to address the lack of tenable choices entirely through clever contrivances or work-arounds. Meaningful, long-term solutions must include systemic changes throughout the communal context. However, change on that level will never occur until the dilemma of homosexual Torah observant Jews is recognized as a legitimate, serious, and widespread problem. Leaders in our community must open dialogue, both amongst themselves and with gay and lesbian frum men and women, to hear their perspective and learn from their suggestions. We must, as a community, learn to move beyond instinctive reactions to recognize that, while there are homosexual groups who are highly resentful of religion, there are also earnest men and women in our own shuls and batei midrash who fight to suppress their drives only to be suppressed themselves by the very system for which they’ve sacrificed.
The process will be slow, assumptions will have to be abandoned, and sensibilities will likely be upset. We won’t know where we’re going or agree on how to get there, but one thing we do know: our own sons and daughters are dealing with struggles that our community can ease, and we are doing nothing about it.
Even so, large scale change is a worthy ambition, but we cannot use that goal for the future to duck the work for right now. Cross-marriages are not the solution. But for right now, I'm afraid they're the best we've got.


PLEASE NOTE: This essay is not intended to represent, in any way, psak halacha.

REFERENCES
Coyle, A. & Rafalin, D. (2000). Jewish gay men’s accounts of negotiating cultural, religious, and sexual identity: A qualitative study.Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality, 12(4) 21-48
Rapoport, C. (2004) Judaism and Homosexuality: An Authentic Orthodox View. London and Portland: Vallentine Mitchell.


UPDATE: 8/17/2011

Rabbi Harel takes the world stage, discussing the upcoming launch of his online match-making service in Time Magazine. (article and video)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Great Wedding Walkout: Litvish Appeal and the Fight Against Internalized Sephardi Racism

The Event


The Rosh Yeshiva walked down the aisle... and right out the door, dragging all of the chosson/chattan's (groom's) friends behind him and leaving the poor newlywed—pleading for him to let the boys stay—to cry alone. At issue: the Israeli rabbi's objection to the bride and groom conducting their wedding according to normative Sephardic halacha. No, this is not an Ashkenazi couple breaking from tradition; both bride and groom are from sephardi families, the groom's father even a rav of a Sephardi congregation. Not even the ruthless Rosh Yeshiva is Ashkenazi; he's a Sephardic man heading a school for Sephardic boys.


Not surprisingly, the Rabbis Yosef, champions of Sephardi halacha, responded quickly and forcefully. Rav Yitzchak Yosef headed straight over to the wedding to celebrate with the abandoned groom and his father, Rav Ovadia invited the groom's family to his Jerusalem home the next day. Rav Avraham Yosef, Chief Rabbi of Holon and Sephardi representative on the Chief Rabbinite Counsel, said in a radio interview that the rosh yeshiva is a "criminal," adding that he should be banished from the city and that it is assur to learn Torah from such a person.

The Read
Clearly, the issue here runs deeper than a rabbi being a jerk or supporting the unquestionable halachic basis for following the (legitimate) practices of one's forefathers. This event represents one of the fundamental struggles of Sephardi Jews living as a socio-religious minority group in today's Haredi Israel.

Tensions between Ashkenazi and Sephardi Jews are nothing new in Israel. Shas and the Education Ministry are still fighting to solve the problem of Sephardi girls sitting at home because they can't find Ashkenazi high schools that will take girls with their skin color. What this fiasco highlights is something more insidious than external Ashkenazi discrimination. It demonstrates Sephardi Jews who have so internalized the societal biases against them that they abandon halacha and human decency in an attempt to "overcome" what the see as their racial handicap.
We can get a bit of interesting insight into this phenomenon by looking at the experiences of African Americans and members of other American minority groups with their race here in the U.S. The study of racial identity looks at the way in which individuals see their own race in relation to the majority race and how that view affects the role of race within their overall sense of who they are. Atkinson, Morten, and Sue's  (1998) Racial/Cultural Identity Development Model (R/CID)  defines five stages through which individuals progress along the path to a fully integrated racial identity.

The most primitive stage is
conformity, in which individuals hold negative attitudes and beliefs toward themselves and toward members of the same minority group, while holding appreciating attitudes and beliefs toward members of the dominant group. Individuals at this stage attempt to deny thier own racial/cultural heritage. However, as they encounter information or experiences that are inconsistent with the attitudes, held by the dominant culture they gradually move into the dissonance stage. Here they experience conflict: between thier self-depreciating and self-appreciating attitudes and beliefs, between group-depreciating and group-appreciating attitudes and beliefs toward members of the same minority, and between group-appreciating and group-depreciating attitudes toward members of the dominant group.

As the individual develops through the
resistance and immersion stage, he or she comes to completely reject the dominant culture in favor of the beliefs and values of his or hew own race or culture, with increased regard for self and group coming together with group-depricating attitudes toward the majority culture. The introspection stage is where the individual is able to reassess his or her ethno-centric biases after recognizing how draining it is to devote such emotional intensity to and how unsatisfying it could be to hold resistance and immersion-stage views. Finally, by the integrative awareness stage, minority individuals  have developed an inner sense of security and they own and appreciate unique aspects of both their own and the mainstream culture.

What Rav Ovadia et. al, are doing is more than just defending their culture. They are fighting to prevent their Sephardic followers from regressing in their cultural identity development to a stage of
conformity. In Israel's current socio-religious climate, it is hard to be proud of being a Sephardi. So hard that even a learned man with his own yeshiva, who should know better--both from a halachic and a don't-be-a-jerk perspective--will still go to shameful lengths to try to be like the Ashkenaz. Thier fight is an important one, but time will tell if it can stand up to the force of Litvish appeal.
JewBrain Tinier

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I Have What?: Telling Children About Their Diagnoses

If you've been watching the NBC series Parenting, you know that one of the show's story lines is about Max, an 8-year-old boy with Asperger's. In the last two weeks' episodes, Max's story takes an intense and unexpected turn as he overhears his father talking about his diagnosis, leaving him and Max's mother scrambling to explain the disorder in a way that he can understand it. After blowing the talk once and consulting with their therapist, they finally get it right on the second try (see the clip below; for the full episode, click here—the botched first conversation is at the start of the episode).



 Dr. Harold Koplewicz, president of the Child Mind Institute writes that the ordeal that Max's parents faced:


demonstrates why we urge parents to rehearse in advance how they will talk to a child or a teen about a psychiatric disorder, so they'll be able to do it in a developmentally appropriate manner and frame it in a way he understands. This is true whether you are speaking to a 6-year-old about severe anxiety, a teen about depression—or an 8-year-old about Asperger's. And these kids need to hear about their disorders, in order to understand and accept the reality of their condition. If they don't understand, they can't be partners in their own treatment; they can't advocate for themselves; they can fall into even more problematic behaviors.
When a diagnosis is treated as a secret, children are often left painfully aware that they're different, without knowing why. They may go to a special school or see therapists. They may be teased or bullied. They often lack friends, don't get invited to parties and feel lonely. They probably know that they have a harder time sitting still, or reading, or remaining calm. All of this puts them at risk for anxiety and depression. Talking about disorders—not just naming them, but identifying what the feelings and behaviors are that are challenging for them, helps them make sense of their lives. You are likely offering relief: "This is why I behave the way I do, this is why things are challenging for me. This has a name and other kids have it, too." 
What you're telling kids is that they are not "bad" or "damaged." Rather, it's that their brains work differently, so they may need to work harder, but there are therapies and strategies that can help them cope and succeed. You can also stress that they have strengths and weaknesses, just like everyone else. A child with ADHD can be extremely creative, while someone with a high-functioning autism spectrum disorder can apply their focus to excel in an area that interests them.

RESOURCES

ADHD in April: Doing Your Taxes When You're Attentionally Deficient

Nobody likes to do their taxes. But for the approximately 4% of adults with Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) tax time can be a significant challenge.


Everyone knows about ADHD in children. It is among the most commonly diagnosed childhood disorders, and the children who have it tend to, umm, bring themselves to the attention of those around them quite effectively. However, although people tend to assume that those children "grow out" of their difficulties, a large portion of them do not. For those individuals who continue to experience the difficulties that make up ADHD past childhood and adolescence, adult and professional life is filled with challenges of which the average, "neurotypical" adult is hardly aware. 


ADHD is a neurobiological disorder that negatively impacts the development, size, and functioning of several regions of the brain, most prominently the lateral prefrontal cortex. That brain region serves to organize, integrate, and apply many of the observations, thoughts, and impulses that are processed by other areas of the brain and use them to take further action. Specific executive functions served by the prefontal cortex include planning complex cognitive behaviors, differentiating between conflicting thoughts or ideas, determining future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, regulation of attention, and suppression of impulses. 


3D, high-resolution MRI image of
the brain of a patient with ADHD
Well, your own prefrontal cortex can see where this is going: people with ADHD and impaired executive functioning have trouble with:

  • Planning
  • Initiating projects
  • Following through on projects
  • Maintaining attention
  • Shifting attention effectively from one focus to another
  • Organization
  • Impulse regulation
  • Delaying gratification
  • Procrastination
  • Low frustration tolerance

For many children and adolescents, these difficulties slowly diminish over time (especially the hyperactivity) until they are largely insignificant to their adult lives. Many others, though, continue to struggle with the challenges that ADHD presents throughout their adult and professional lives. In addition to those listed above adults with ADHD face increased problems with: low self-esteem, employment problems, problems with the legal system (particularly around driving infractions), and relationship stress. Adults with ADHD often feel quite badly about themselves, as they compare themselves to others around them who might be far less intelligent or talented, but who are far more able to succeed because they can "get their stuff together" in a way that the person with ADHD simply cannot. It often seems as if adults with ADHD just "can't get out of their own way" enough to allow them to succeed. 

Or stay out of trouble with the IRS...

If the descriptions above sound familiar, you might be interested in a recent entry on PsychCentral's World of Psychology blog. But—if you have ADHD and have still managed to continue reading the article without clicking through—don't get your hopes up too high; the tips are for next year. The article quotes a woman with the fancy title of "senior certified ADHD coach" who, yet, makes the good point that, together with their characteristic procrastination, ADHD-ers' lack of organization makes the process of filing taxes a daunting task for them. "Because their tax information is so disorganized the idea of actually sitting down to complete the taxes is overwhelming.” To help solve that problem, a second senior certified ADHD coach offers the following 4-step plan to prepare now for the next tax year:
  1. Figure out what information you should be saving
  2. Have a way to record tax-deductible expenses
  3. Create one place for tax-related paperwork, such as W-2s, 1099s and medical bills
  4. Schedule ‘Tax Time’ each week 
The coach concedes that “the system itself will probably differ from person to person," but stresses "what’s important is using it consistently and to have tax stuff together in a safe place.” 

And therein lies the problem. It's not just creating the systems that ADHD-ers have trouble with, it's the follow-through that's the main problem. These ideas sound great, but doing anything consistently is a stretch for this population, even more so for a full year. Heck, I won't even be able to locate this article 13 months from now, and that's just one paper!
JewBrain Tinier